What does my nervous system need?
Why Our Nervous System Needs Context, Choice, and Connection
If you’ve ever found yourself reacting in a way that surprised you—snapping at someone you love, shutting down in the middle of a conversation, or feeling anxious without really knowing why—you’re not alone. Our nervous system is always working behind the scenes, trying to keep us safe.
Deb Dana, a therapist who translates Polyvagal Theory into everyday language, talks about three things our nervous system really needs: context, choice, and connection. Understanding these can help us make sense of our reactions and find our way back to balance.
Context: “What’s the story here?”
Our bodies respond not just to what’s happening, but to how we understand what’s happening. That’s context.
Think about hearing footsteps behind you. If it’s late at night on a dark street, your heart might race. But if you realize it’s your friend catching up to you, your whole system relaxes. Same sound, totally different response—because the contextchanged.
When we can place our experience into a story that makes sense, our nervous system settles. Without context, we can feel lost or on edge. Sometimes just pausing to say, “Oh, my body is reacting because it doesn’t know what’s going on yet” can bring relief.
Choice: “I’m not stuck.”
One of the hardest parts of stress or trauma is the feeling of being trapped. Our bodies remember that sense of being powerless, and it can send us straight into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
That’s why choice is so important. Even small choices tell our nervous system: you’re not stuck, you have options. It could be as simple as deciding which grounding exercise to try, choosing whether to keep talking or take a break, or picking where to sit in a room.
When we have choices, our body gets the message: I can influence what happens next. I’m safe enough to decide. (side note: when we have too many choices we can become paralyzed—a healthy number of choices is what we really need)
Connection: “I don’t have to do this alone.”
At the heart of it all, we are wired for connection. From the time we’re born, our nervous system looks for signals of safety in others—tone of voice, facial expressions, presence. When we feel safely connected, our body can relax.
And connection doesn’t have to mean people all the time. Pets, music, nature, and prayer can also bring a sense of being held and supported. What matters is that we feel we belong somewhere, with someone—or something—that helps us feel safe.
Putting It All Together
When our nervous system has context, choice, and connection, it can shift out of survival mode and into a place of safety. That’s when we can think clearly, feel grounded, and genuinely connect with others.
So next time you notice your body reacting in a way that doesn’t quite make sense, try asking yourself:
Do I need more context—what’s the story here?
Do I have a choice I can make right now, even a small one?
Who or what can I connect with to feel more anchored?
Your nervous system isn’t working against you—it’s trying to protect you. Giving it these three things is like giving it the reassurance it’s been waiting for: You’re safe enough to be here, now.
